My 30's are taking me through there
I did not sign up for this level of internal renovation. A reflection on losing certainty, questioning everything I thought I was building, and learning to return to myself.
Over my lifetime, I’ve heard from so many women some version of the same story: In my 30’s, I’d be a whole different person. It’s supposed to feel like I’m settled, or like I’ve earned what I built.
It was supposed to be the essence of stability—A career that makes sense, relationships that feel chosen and secure. Maybe for some people that’s true, but I think a lot of people are looking like… is this it? Did I miss something, or did something miss me?
Because truth is, I feel less sure of almost everything than I ever have.
I feel less sure about my career than I did in my 20’s.
I spent most of my adult life working at becoming an Interior Designer. I wasn’t just doing the work and excelling at it, but I was doing it the right way. Now, I have the degree, I have the roles, I’ve worked with some top firms in the South. My trajectory was supposed to land me somewhere stable, especially as far as my career was concerned.
This career made sense back when I was so passionate about pursuing it but it just kept… not happening. The top firms that I was so desperate to work for? Yeah, turns out that in my experience those companies tend to have tons of turnover — a lot of them built their business model on bringing in bright, young talent for the busy season and letting them go right before it was time to raise salaries. Rinse and repeat every single year.
This was devastating for me — I was laid off twice in a period of three years from these companies at the pinnacle of what had been my “dream job”. And that’s not even the beginning of the issues I had working in those roles. My time in middle-management showed me that a lot of people lack integrity, lack respect, and will stress you out on their way to the top of the chain.
There are so many things I wish I was told from the beginning that I only had to learn through experience.
I kept trying though, I’ve done everything from being a Project Manager for major commercial clients, design consulting for furniture brands, local and boutique, to being a freelancer offering color consultations for family and friends. It just felt like the path never really solidified, no matter how much effort I put behind it.
For a long time, I thought that meant I wasn’t doing enough or wasn’t good enough, or that I wasn’t disciplined enough to make it work. The stress that my own internal voice put on me combined with the external challenges I faced made me feel like I was drowning. Some of my absolute lowest moments were during that time.
And now that the economy and the job market are shaky as hell? The vision of stability in that career feels like it’s dissolving in real time. So, I’m holding all this skill, experience, and effort…trying to decide what it’s all for.
There’s this joke I keep seeing:
“The job market is so bad you might as well follow your dreams.”
But that assumes you know what your dreams are.
I don’t think I know what my ultimate goal really is anymore.
Or even my dream. Kind of hard to feel super optimistic when you have all the possibilities in the world and you close your eyes and see nothing but empty space.
I’m sitting with that instead of trying to outrun it. I’m taking my professional expertise and transmuting it to work on some of my other passions and figuring out what really even moves me.
I’m realizing that I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to make myself make sense to other people. How to justify my art in a way that legitimized it or made it worth something more or at least helped me to get paid. It was pushing myself into a space where I was editing my voice or my appearance or even my actions to fit what other people would find acceptable, like I was doing something more effective or important, or in such a way that my accomplishments and expertise preceded me.
Now, I’m a lot less interested in doing that. I am re-balancing who I am and what matters to me, slowly, unevenly, in real time.
How do I first and foremost reduce my stress levels? How do I start to operate in slowness and ease rather than in high-energy or anxiety-inducing environments? What can that structure look like and why haven’t I considered it as a possibility for myself?
When I’m not trying to make things make sense to other people, what really drives me?
What does it mean to move through the world from my own perspective, fully?
What the hell gives you joy, sis?
As a Black woman, where so much of your experience gets assumed, misread, and flattened into something convenient for other folks to categorize and file away, what does it mean to step into myself in a way that rebels against their understanding? How can I represent my truest self while not performing for anyone other than myself?
There’s a dissonance in moving through spaces where people think they understand you, but they’re only interacting with a version of you.
I’m starting to notice how often I’ve participated in that— not out of dishonesty, but maybe it was out of habit, or even survival.
And now I’m trying something different.
My thirties are definitely giving that, fuck it, mask off type of energy. Where I can’t be bothered to pretend, to show only part of me in hopes of being chosen, or worthy, or good enough. No more performance. This is me.
I’m prioritizing rest and the habits and hobbies that truly bring me joy, instead of feeling guilty for not being at a different place in my life. So far, it’s honestly brought me more peace, and more happiness even when it feels counterproductive in the moment.
I’m working with what is innately me rather than trying to fit myself into the characteristics or values of a good worker, a high-earner, or someone who is achieving a higher status in society. I realized that when I’ve leaned into creativity, building community, affirming my nature as an empath and an introvert, I’ve been able to create more truthfully and effectively. And to be honest, leaning into that more has started to bring me money in ways I haven’t ever imagined.
So, I’m not saying I was lied to about what my 30’s would be like…but so far it is a world of different than I expected, and I’m liking who I am becoming.
